Even though my last reading of [[Kierkegaard]] dates back to my university years, I only read him because of his individualism and liked the mention of the erotic in music and the famous distinction of fear and dread, it was an absolute necessity to connect my first trip to Copenhagen with my friend N to the philosopher. We went to his grave in Assistens Cemetery, asked for editions of his work, talked about what I thought were unrelated subjects but are, in reality, highly correlated. We talked about past relationships, love and what one thinks that might be and the problem of imposing oneself on life. I was surprised to hear that he has had very similar experiences to me, especially in intimate couple life. For us nice guys, people pleasers, inward-looking minds, it is very easy to drape ourselves around the necessities of others. We'll feel good about that too. Be helpful, funny, charming. But the others we'll find will very often be selfish, out of habit or out of fear. They will take the positive influx of energy into their lives and we have to figure out two lives now - theirs and ours. This is not necessarily evil. In fact I think the most difficult situation is when the other person is truly good, because then we'll not be vigilant about the effect they have on us. In his case, he had spent 10 years with a girl who did not support him. They had common interests and also many ups, but spent most of their time avoiding each other. When he wanted to get closer, study what she had studied for example, she became very anxious and jealous of his talents. He was only able to get away from that because his best friend fell in love with him, he reacted badly, but that was the wake up call he needed to get out and meet the woman who would become the mother of his child. He described her in one word: support. I had noticed that whenever he suggests something, he always adds a qualifier: ... but we absolutely don't have to. As you wish... I know these phrases because I had built my own life on them for well over a decade. I thought I was being nice, that the other person has a more serious set of constraints and should figure them out first, I would follow along. Not only is that not true and the other person actually is worse of if you do not impose yourself and help deciding things, but you get used to the fact that life is running along without you - and you lose yourself. That far I have come myself, had to get out, fall in love and almost made the same mistake again. This new person was in many ways better for me, as she would also offer support: "You decide! I trust you". That was the single most important thing that could have happened to me. But she was also vague, did not decide or commit, left me in a state of suspension. And over years I once again put my own needs behind and said that she has the more pressing matters to attend to, that she has this and that to do, and I'll just be patient and nice. Paradoxically, it's because I learned at her side what it means to prioritize myself, that I was able to impose myself to her and cut ties eventually. Because I could be a lot of things for her, but not some maybe-could-have-would-have. I was either something very important to her as well, and we would enjoy our mutual contributions to each other's lives, or nothing. I was not going to secretely dream of friendship or souls being fated to touch, using living-time to lament the unrealized, while she would just live on and never bother to come my way. The tilt towards Kierkegaard happened on the second morning of my trip. I was having a discussion with my LLM, who clarified not only the philosopher's work but also gave me a big picture of his biography. Lower initial effort - more useful information per unit of time. His work, while unstructured and deeply personal, touches on the matter of choice and his most famous work is called "Either/Or". A revelation. I knew that in the past, but it didn't mean anything back then. But in the meantime I have heard this phrase very often, and felt, that you have to make choices in life or rather, that either you chose or life choses for you. You have the choice between being an active or passive human being and end up either proud of yourself or disliking yourself. Over the last five years I have made many choices but still struggle with the big ones. Yet, I definitely see how I have spent the majority of my life avoiding choice and inventing comfortable lies to mask that fact. When I began making choices for myself, life became very chaotic. Friction, fights, I hurt my gf. It was high time and I feel like I was born just now. This is a good life. "I must buy the book", i thought to myself, because this is surely what it is about. It's a topic of the utmost relevance to my life and that of my partner. I write about the "elsewhere" of traveling in other places and this is just one example of that. You change your state of mind to understand yourself. It's always about yourself. Be it another country or city, the company of another person, a book. You construct yourself a very compelling story, like for example that you met your dear friend just before he began life as a "Latte Pappa", talked about love and what is good and right, mused about statues, drugs, sci-fi and stone gargoyles coming to life and met a famous philosopher in the very place he used to walk around to do his work. The book is meme-level craftmanship, every paragraph is quotable. > > "I have, I believe, the courage to fight against everything; but I do not have the courage to acknowledge anything, the courage to possess, to own, anything" > > What are all such adversaries... compared with ... tenacious-of-life nocturnal forms with which I battle and to which I myself give life and existence > > When a spider flings itself from a fixed point down into its consequences, it continually sees before it an empty space in which it can find no foothold, however much it stretches. So it is with me. > > Let others complain that the times are evil. I complain that they are wretched, for they are without passion. > > People's thoughts are as thin and fragile as lace > > My life achievement amounts to nothing at all, a mood, a single color. > > Most people rush after pleasure so fast that they rush right past it. > > The person who runs aground with the speed of hope will recollect in such a way that he will be unable to forget. > > A person's resiliency can actually be measured by his power to forget. He who cannot forget will never amount to much. > > The art of recollecting and forgetting will also prevent a person from foundering in any particular relationship in life > > Two friends form a close alliance in order to be everything to each other, even though no human being can be anything for another human being except to be in his way. > > If a man wants to be separated from his wife, the cry goes up: He is a mean fellow, a scoundrel, etc. ... Either marriage has intrinsic reality, and then he is adequately punished by losing it, or it has no reality, and then it is unreasonable to vilify him because he is wiser than others. > > Moreover, through marriage, one falls into a very deadly continuity with custom, and custom is like the wind and weather, something completely indeterminable. > And so on. Thoughts that I hear, some others that I feel. Great metaphors. He is certainly on the guarded, loner side. He has ups and downs but the great power of his statements comes from the fact that they try to show a self-sufficient individual. It is true that friendships can go awry, that one can give too much importance to them, while in truth they are "superficial thirds". Necessary for a good life but not static and they shift into and out of the realm of acquaintance, which is a good thing. Hope that you see old friends, hope that you all changed and see what can be done. His thoughts on marriage are two fold but he ultimately chose against it. He does warn against it being a cover-up, dishonest. Staying together out of habit and custom, rather than conviction. My friends who forget more are clearly happier people, their life is simpler, decisions are quicker. And hope certainly is a good driver and a great future disappointment in the making! The passage about "boredom" is excitingly relevant today too. A product of his time, he ascribes "the genius of boredom" to the Englishman, but the description is more interesting: > ...whose total resource of language consists of a single monosyllable, in interjection with which he indicates his highest admiration and his deepest indifference at "monosyllable" I hear "Gen Z". That's of course also a judgement that will age poorly. But we are all in this. People express themselves almost like breathing out. It's not just language either, thoughts are a byproduct rather than the center of attention. Nothing is passionate, nothing exciting. Life is a series of tasks, of orders maybe, a checklist, to be ticked off. I never know what I will do tomorrow. I might have a rough idea, but I'd change my plans for almost anything. A talk to a stranger, a new passing interest, sex. Even the unpleasant unforeseen is actually just a new opportunity to try out more life. I'm reminding myself of this, because I too have the tendency to stand by and wait, to say no to experience. Today is the most impactful part of my reality by far. It has precedence over anything else. And a new thing done today is a good memory tomorrow and the potential to spark another unforeseen event. The true power of this text lies, for me, in the second part. The Either/Or is a choice between the ethic and the esthetic. I read it as the superficial, moment to moment and the deep, once-and-for-all. Like Nietzsche, who was famously amoral, Kierkegaard doesn't say that you have to chose good. You have to chose between choosing good AND evil or the immediate moment. His crucial concept is choice. Once you start choosing you are affirming your personality. Even just choosing every moment makes you more and more defined as an individual and gives you inner strength. But the only real choice is that of accepting some absolute ruleset for yourself. In my reading, you can lean any way you want but by accepting the existence of a rule set that will guide your whole life you gain clarity about who you want to be. That frames every subsequent, "esthetic" action. And over time you become a recognizable personality defined by her own history of choice. Everything else is just covering up the lack of choice, the lack of personality. The other day, I had a mild fight with my gf and she told me "You never question yourself. You always have an answer for everything". I do - now! Only because I did question myself for years and years. And it is a good place to be in. It is not that I do not want to hear my partner's point of view. On the contrary! I want to hear a point of view, show colors, be honest with herself and me. Because only then can we make decisions that can make us both happy. In general over these last few years, I have lost a lot of tolerance and patience. Not in a political sense: other people's problems that have nothing to do with me I accept as a necessity of their lives. But if someone wants to spend time with me, I am the only person who matters (that's something I have to remind myself of). We enter an agreement of who we both are, how we'll influence each other. I try my best to be good for them. So will they. Then we enjoy each other and celebrate each additional moment where this holds true. It very likely won't last and then we'll move on. You have to be quite strict on this front, otherwise you risk losing your life. Decades can go by without you living the life you actually want, without wanting anything from your life! These things are easier said than done. It's all the more comforting to see that one is not alone with these thoughts. In truth, we tend not to act because of fear. And we hide this from ourselves and others by being vague and avoidant. Life undoubtedly becomes better once you begin making a habit out of overcoming fear, of making choices. You somehow begin to know who you are. That's better for yourself and for others. In the end, Kierkegaard applies his ideas on the difference between doubt and despair. Doubt being impersonal, abstract. A matter of thought. Despair on the other hand is a choice. The choice to give up hope, to accept that things are not going your way. In that moment you are yourself and very strong. You'll soon pack up and leave to try something else. You won't waste your time on a hopeless thing, your sadness is a sign that you care about life, as my friend R explained to me, and move on.