The Right people at the Right Time We haven't talked in a while. It always happens. My favorite person in this world is a girl which is at once wonderful and unfortunate. Your favorite person has a very unique power over you. The power to change. The power to boost. The power to transform you into an iron-willed hero or a pile of dust with the whisper of a magic word. It is a mysterious and wonderful power that you want to give, you want to observe how it works on you, you study and fear it. I'm pretty sure no human being became truly great in isolation. Probably the hardiest visionary, the most precise mathematician or most egocentric artist dreamed about the dizzying embrace of someone's magic word. It's already a delicate enough affair if you give this power to a friend. But if you give it to a person you want to get even closer too, you're in real trouble. In this case you make your best moments dependent on another person who cannot fully understand you and might not be on your side at all. In my case, I have no doubt about that last aspect. And I have learned the hard way that I need to limit my dependencies on people. So whenever me and my best friend enter an off phase, where we have different focus and priorities, I distance myself alot, this last time I had to go far enough as to not even talk. It was necessary to manage my emotions and undo that aching feeling in my chest which has accompanied me for years now. But I had to proceed with delicacy as the person I was distancing myself from is without a doubt also my best friend. That is, I know few people better and am known by few others as well as I am by her. I trust my judgement in that relationship and don't want to waste the years this friendship has slowly grown like a fruit tree in the orchard of my life just at the moment the first blossoms were opening up. After months of this separation two things became clear: distance does help regulating feelings, the relationship as I pereived it became more and more normal, less emotional and the magic's strongest spells were forgotten. But the second observation was that life is not fun at this level of superficiality. I want my best friend right there next to my heart. We decided to meet as she had a bit of time and I had forgotten how to talk to her on the phone or even chatting. I needed to feel her presence, have a natural conversation and see how I would react. Would I have to tell her, "Sorry, seeing you hurts me too much?", would I be cold as stone and brush her off with sarcasm, would I enjoy my time and then get back to my routine of daydreaming and melancholy about the unfortunate fact that I can't get any closer to the person I most wish to be with? This is how my brain works. Day in day out, all alternatives, all possible outcomes, the bad ones disproportionately big, exhausting, repetitive. A friend told with certainty: "It's easier in person, trust me!" And they were right. As soon as we met, my brain that usually is a tought string, resonating at the slightest touch, relaxed and unraveled into a flat sheet of tranquility. Perlmut, glittering in gentle waves in some abstract space. And then everything as usual. We talked about last time we saw each other as if it were yesterday, joke, laugh, are silly. No problem, none of my fears have any material justification. This happens any time, by evening we would talk about deep personal things, in a day or two we would hold hands and by the end of my stay I will want to kiss her, not do it and regret it. But this time is different. We talk but I'm confident in establishing boundaries and distance. She's not the most important person in my life, there will always be distance, priorities in life will keep us apart and that's fine. We'll still talk, we'll still see eachother from time to time. "What are your plans?" - "Marriage next spring, get pregnant this autumn, become a professional language teacher". Great, I brace for stabbing pain but I don't feel it. I'm okay. I like her plan. Let me know how it goes. Is that friendship? Happy to talk, happy to say goodbuy, until we cross paths again? What's with the thoughts about how we won't get enough time to spend together, my fear of seeing her only 5-10 times until we die? I don't know why but after this talk, when I am alone in the AbnB I am not catastrophically distraught. It was expected. I'm glad that I came only for a few days. Good talk, I hugged my friend and we shared a meal and have nothing else to do with eachother. Of course I want more because we can have more, but I just sigh the healing "oh well" and fall asleep in an amazingly comfortable bed. The next day she wants to show me something. We go to a design expo in an old university, she makes me close my eyes, excited. "You can look now!" We stand in front of a white bench for two people with a citation from gray's anatomy: "you are my person". My heart jumps, I hug her for many seconds and am squarely back tucking at my heart strings like a medieval troubadour. The scene is funny because we didn't figure out how to light up the phrase right away. They say if two people touch, sparks can fly. Apparently we have no sparks, goodbuy, nice to know you. After a 30 minute walk around the exhibition, we discover two metal plates on the bench. Electricity! "You have to touch the other and the plates!" I say like Archimedes and deduce: "Let's sit on it". Please imagine the sound of a needle scratching across a vinyl record. By wiggling and fiddling we of course arrive at the conclusion that one hand should touch the metal plate, the other hand touches your friend's hand and electricity flows between you to light up the phrase. It works, my friend makes a video, we explain the concept to a bunch of students fresh from graduation, who find us cute. They couldn't figure it out themselves but rephrase our discovery in academic terms, ready and eager to teach the world. In the evening when I am alone again, I resume the second day: I am her person, we held hands, had a good time all the way through and watched a romantic movie. I fear being stabbed but... Nothing. I almost chuckle. "Oh well", my solar plexus says in my sun themed Abnb, "let's just have many more such moments, who cares what else we do". And I fall asleep on the most gentle matress ever. On the third day we meet some friends. It's a couple, she has been my language partner for some time, and she hasn't told me anything positive about him, let's call them M and S. I was a bit weary of the talk but it turns out S loves european history, knows it really well, is generally a smart and open guy if maybe a bit shy and bookish and I have the feeling I could talk for ages with him. I catch up with M separately who is not that happy with her relationship but dreams about independence and exploration, has many things to see, many things to try in life and well, both are fun and interesting people on their own but you feel a bit bad spending time with the couple. It's like having a picnic on the slope of a volcano. Will it explode? Will it sleep? Is it going to cause the permic mass extinction event？In the meantime you eat chickpea bread with olive oil and enjoy the excitement of this experience. Don't litter though! At some point, my friend has to go to work and we separate while I talk some more to M. In the evening I go home and we meet. Gentle jazz music, candle, she brought food. I ask her about work, she's enthusiastic about a cool older lady and I am curious and full of energy for her. I am happy for her, knowing this person, ask questions, want her to develop a friendship with them. She asks about my talk with M, we analyse the situation of the couple and the personality of both, what we think of them, our feelings throughout the day. I'm in heaven. There is only one person with whom I enjoy this kind of conversation and she's sitting right in front of me. I feel home, at the right place, my brain is still a perlmut colored glittering sheet ondulating through abstract space and will be for the rest of my visit here. Then she tells me, we have to talk. She seems very emotional and serious and I'm a bit nervous. "I don't want to be vulnerable" she says and I fear the worst. What if finally feelings have gotten to her, not just me, and she does not want to have them? "On the way home i felt my heart ache, leaving you behind" - "oh oh", is one way to describe my thoughts, "oooohhhh" is another. I don't remember her exact words. But I think she finally expressed the feelings I have for her to me. And she wants to have them! I try to reassure her. Whatever happens, I want us to be friends who also are eachother's most trusted person. She does not use big words, doesn't want to be vulnerable, does not trust easily but she does with me. Still live has other priorities and I am not the focus of her life. Alone on the most comfortable bed in the world, I smile, dumbly I imagine. It's a waste. This matress is pure bliss but tonight I float a couple of centimeters above, impossible to descend. It has been only three days. I came somewhat hardened in fire, ready to meet a normal friend, one of many, good to have as part of my social circle but not enough to influence my life in any important way by herself. Within minutes I knew that without a doubt I'm with my favorite person again, and that this fact would not change and within days I'm ready to leave her a part of my soul as a parting gift. But I have no tears, don't fear the end of the trip or the future. All that has happened until now is absolutely gorgeous and I've already experienced more than most people can even imagine. So whatever, come here my silly friend, let's hug and then go do whatever you want to do before we meet again. Then we arrive at the last day. We go to a pittoresque small town on a lake because the sun is finally out. Communication is flowing like water, my brain now a perfectly round pearl, we have done everything from burping contest to figuring out who can look at the other in a cuter way. Hint, I win, I have puppy eyes. After lunch, where we had a good time and I learned a new aspect of my friend, hyperfocus and overthinking, which probably noone else knows, we walk along a very narrow pavewalk. She guides me to walk in front of her, touching my upper back. It was a fleeting moment but I still feel her hand to this day. We visit the town, old church, park, arrive at the lake. My friend sits down on a park bench while I'm taking pictures and she starts talking with an indian lady. By the time I come over they are in full conversation. This woman, about 60 years old, loves traveling. Her honeymoon was a roadtrip through eritrea, she has seen most of the world except Japan and Korea, she loves observing people and customs, wrote books for her children about her experiences, donated the money to charity and guided her daughter to become a biochemist. People like this move me, because everything is right with them. Just live, enjoy, and make others enjoy. I would have spend the day talking more with her but her daughter pulls her away, her expression something like: "Oh no who is mom talking to this time?". When just me and my friend remain on the bench facing the lake I have to turn my head away because I fear tears welling up. Things like that happen with my friend all the time and every one of these moments feels like a culmination of life for me. Let me experience a moment like this and I have learned the essence of human life. And here I am sitting next to a girl who makes this happen because she too is this kind of human being. I look at her with my red eyes and she touches my cheek, I still feel her hand to this day. Explosively I hug her, whispering: "You are such a wonderful person!". I wanted to kiss her explosively but then I couldn't have said anything. And we really can't. We are friends, just friends. I was really calm until now, day 5, but this moment shook me again. Whenever I meet my friend, there is a day like this, and I am helpless when it happens. We all have something that we resonate with and my friend has the key to my something. The rest of the day is calm, trainride back, good talk，she shows me her type of man in the train: tall, blue eyed and smart, but gentle, not arrogant. She then has a meeting with her old classmates planned while I go home to pack. It's my last day after all. We agree to meet for a quick tea, she comes over to my place, I'm relaxed, we drink tea from cups we had painted together last year. When she comes, she's a bit exhausted, different than normal. Cheeky almost, a bit insolent. She undresses her sweater while sitting down in front of me, talking apruptly. I tell her how I'm going to catch my train tomorrow, she reminds me that I can't take the metro that early and that I have to use Uber. “Thank you", I say embarassed, "I would have been really -" - "fucked?", she cuts in. The word surprises me because my friend is never vulgar. Her eyes where defiant, fiery when she said it. I pause for a moment. I should have said: "would you want to be the one to do it?" Or "you still haven't tried this wonderful bed here" but I didn't. But really we can't, we are friends, just friends. At some point she get's up: "I have to go", the sweater goes on again, "do you have anything to say to me?". This is the third time or so that she asked me that. And I'm pretty sure she was expecting a specific answer every time. But I say "No, we have talked about so many things this week", looking down uncertainly, my mind a bit loud for the first time in 5 days. "Yes!", one half of it keeps shouting, "Dearest, you just told me you trusted me and I don't want to hurt you or your bf. Or my gf", says the other. She gets up and takes a picture of us on the couch, a ritual that we had established last year. Then she says good night and leaves. I do not lock the door, as I usually do. I want to her "Come back" or "I want you" or something similarly stupid. I stay behind the door for a few seconds. Then I hear the elevator. She's back! "The foto wasn't good", she says. And it really wasn't! While she's taking another one and we sit down next to each other, hugging, I have to hide just how happy I am that she really came back. "This is the moment！"，I think but nope, she's moving so fast and seems so focussed on the picture that I end up thinking she really just wanted to make sure that we have one more good foto for our memories. Then she leaves for good, I accompagny her to the door, bent awkwardly to not make it too apparent that I really, really want her to stay. But we are friends. Just friends is not the right phrase. We are friends who know everything about eachother. I would go through fire for her, and most importantly, I will celebrate with her, her joy and excitement even if it means that weeks like these will always be rare finite. She's simply a wonderful person.